The Violence That Starts Long Before the First Blow
Gender-based violence in intimate relationships rarely begins with physical aggression. It starts much earlier, in moments that seem so subtle and harmless that victims often don’t recognise the danger until it has already become their normal. It begins with excessive attention that feels flattering, not invasive. It begins with small criticisms disguised as concern. It begins with jealousy framed as love. It begins with “Where are you?” texts that slowly become “Send me your location” demands. GBV does not enter through the front door as a villain, it enters through charm, care, intensity, and emotional intoxication. By the time the violence becomes visible, the psychological trap has already closed.
Most abusers do not begin relationships as monsters. They begin as attentive partners. They learn your vulnerabilities, your insecurities, your fears, your dreams. They study your emotional rhythms, your boundaries, your values. They embed themselves into your life so deeply that imagining a world without them feels impossible. This is not love, it is strategy. Abusers understand that attachment makes control easier. They build that attachment deliberately, slowly, and expertly.
By the time the first incident of violence happens, the victim already feels responsible for the abuser’s emotional world. They believe the relationship is worth saving. They believe the abuser’s behaviour is temporary, fixable, or caused by stress. They believe the abuser’s apologies. This is not weakness, it is the result of psychological conditioning that began the moment the relationship started.
The Abuser’s Playbook
Abusers do not operate randomly. Their behaviour follows a pattern so consistent across cultures, languages, and income brackets that it could be mistaken for a script. The relationship begins with love-bombing, excessive affection, constant contact, rapid attachment, grand gestures, and declarations of destiny. This phase makes the victim feel special, chosen, irreplaceable. It is intoxicating because it gives the illusion of the kind of connection people spend years searching for.
Then comes the tension-building phase. The abuser becomes irritable, unpredictable, or withdrawn. Small things trigger disproportionate reactions. The victim begins adjusting their behaviour to keep the peace. They become hyperaware of tone, timing, and expression. They learn how to tiptoe emotionally.
Then comes the explosion, a violent outburst, a scream, a threat, a shove, a slap, a strangulation, a destruction of property, or hours of psychological warfare. The victim experiences shock, fear, confusion, and self-blame. They cannot understand how the person who loved them so intensely moments ago can now treat them like an enemy.
Then comes the reconciliation. The apologies. The tears. The promises. The explanations. “I was stressed.” “I didn’t mean it.” “You triggered me.” “I will change.” “Without you I am nothing.” The abuser switches back into charm mode, and the victim, desperate for stability, believes them.
Then comes the calm. The “honeymoon phase.” The period where everything feels like how the relationship used to be. This phase tricks the victim into believing the violence was an isolated incident. Until the cycle begins again, with increased intensity each time. This pattern is textbook not because victims are predictable, but because abusers are.
How Identity Erosion Happens
People ask victims, “Why didn’t you leave sooner?” but they never see the emotional erosion that made leaving so complex. Abuse is not just a physical event, it is a gradual reshaping of identity. Victims lose themselves piece by piece, often without noticing until they feel unrecognisable.
Identity erosion looks like,
- Apologising for things you didn’t do
- Avoiding conversations to keep the peace
- Disconnecting from friends
- Feeling guilty for things you never felt guilty about
- Dressing differently to avoid criticism
- Monitoring your partner’s mood like a weather system
- Becoming someone smaller, quieter, less confident
Abusers strip away a victim’s sense of self so subtly that the victim often mistakes the change for “growth,” “adapting,” or “compromise.” They do not realise they are shrinking until they no longer recognise their own reflection. This erosion is strategic, a partner who doubts themselves is easier to control. A partner with no strong sense of self becomes someone who relies on the abuser for emotional reality.
By the time the victim identifies the behaviour as abusive, they are not the same person who entered the relationship. Their self-worth, confidence, independence, and boundaries have been worn down so deeply that leaving feels more frightening than staying.
Why Intimate Partner Violence Is More Psychological Than Physical
Society focuses heavily on physical violence because it leaves visible marks. But the most devastating harm of GBV is psychological. Abusers use emotional manipulation far more often than physical force because controlling someone’s mind is more sustainable than controlling their body.
Psychological abuse appears as,
- Isolation, cutting the victim off from support
- Gaslighting, making the victim doubt their memory, sanity, or perception
- Financial control, limiting access to money, jobs, or resources
- Monitoring, checking phones, emails, social media, or location
- Threats, using fear instead of physical harm
- Emotional punishment, coldness, withdrawal, silent treatment
- Intimidation, destroying objects, raising a hand without hitting
- Love withdrawal, affection replaced with distance to enforce compliance
These tactics are designed to make the victim feel dependent, confused, guilty, and powerless. Many victims say the psychological abuse was worse than the physical violence because it gets into the brain and stays there. Bruises heal. Psychological wounds linger. The world tends to dismiss psychological abuse because it cannot be photographed. But it is the root of GBV, the mechanism that allows abusers to maintain control long-term.
Why Victims Don’t Leave
The question “Why doesn’t she leave?” is a socially acceptable way to avoid blaming the abuser. It puts the responsibility on the victim instead of the perpetrator. It suggests that leaving is easy, clean, safe, and accessible. It ignores the complexity of trauma bonding, fear, financial entrapment, and psychological conditioning.
Victims don’t leave because,
- Leaving is the most dangerous time, homicide rates skyrocket when victims attempt to escape.
- They are financially trapped, abusers often control money or sabotage careers.
- They fear retaliation, stalking, harassment, threats, violence against children.
- They have been isolated, no support system remains.
- They doubt themselves, psychological abuse erodes self-trust.
- They hope for change, based on the reconciliation phases.
- They feel responsible for the abuser’s emotions, guilt becomes a leash.
- They are ashamed, fearing judgment from family or community.
- They fear losing their children, abusers weaponise custody.
- They love the person the abuser pretends to be, not the violent reality.
Leaving is not a single act, it is a calculated, dangerous operation. Victims are not choosing the abuser, they are choosing the option that feels least life-threatening in the moment.
The Community That Praises the Abuser and Questions the Victim
One of the biggest obstacles victims face is the abuser’s public persona. Most abusers are charming, helpful, charismatic, and socially skilled. They know how to win people over. They know how to appear generous, calm, and loving. They invest heavily in their social image because they know it becomes a shield when allegations surface.
Meanwhile, victims appear emotional, unstable, or inconsistent, not because they are unreliable but because trauma disrupts coherence. The person who has been living in fear for years does not present neatly. Their distress is interpreted as exaggeration. Their instability is treated as evidence against them. Friends and family often say things like,
- “But he’s so nice.”
- “He would never do that.”
- “She always seemed dramatic.”
- “Maybe it was just a misunderstanding.”
- “You know how emotional she gets.”
Victims quickly learn that speaking up costs them more than staying silent. The community’s instinct to defend the abuser reinforces the victim’s isolation. And the abuser sees this as validation, proof that their manipulation strategy works.
Trauma Bonding Keeps Victims Attached to Their Abusers
Trauma bonding is the psychological glue that keeps victims attached to their abusers. It forms when cycles of abuse are paired with intermittent affection. The brain becomes addicted to the relief that follows harm. The victim clings to the “good moments” because they are rare, intense, and emotionally overwhelming.
Trauma bonding is not loyalty. It is not weakness. It is a neurochemical survival response. When a victim experiences fear, their body releases stress hormones. When the abuser apologises or returns to affection, their body releases dopamine, oxytocin, and relief. This creates a neurological loop where the victim connects safety to the person causing harm.
Abusers exploit this bond deliberately by controlling affection, withholding approval, and strategically timing apologies. Trauma bonding is one of the most misunderstood aspects of GBV, because society expects victims to behave with logic, not psychology. But abuse is not survived through logic. It is survived through coping mechanisms.
How Leaving Triggers a Psychological Collapse
When victims leave, the psychological collapse often surprises them. They expect relief but feel grief. They expect freedom but feel fear. They expect clarity but feel confusion. Trauma bonding disrupts the brain’s ability to interpret danger accurately. Leaving breaks the cycle physically, but mentally, the cycle continues.
Victims experience,
- Withdrawal symptoms
- Panic attacks
- Intense loneliness
- Self-blame
- Unprocessed trauma
- Emotional flashbacks
- Difficulty trusting themselves
- Fear of what comes next
This collapse is not evidence that leaving was wrong, it is evidence of how deeply the abuse shaped their emotional world.
Reclaiming Identity
Rebuilding after GBV is not inspirational, it is gruelling, slow, emotionally messy work. Victims must relearn basic skills they lost inside the abusive dynamic, trusting themselves, making decisions, expressing needs, setting boundaries, maintaining friendships, recognising red flags, and inhabiting their own body without fear.
They must rebuild their self-worth from scratch. They must correct the distorted beliefs the abuser planted. They must grieve the version of themselves they lost. They must adjust to silence after living in chaos. Reclaiming identity is not a straight line. It involves setbacks, relapses into old patterns, emotional outbursts, and overwhelming fear. But it is also where victims discover the strength that was always there, a strength they never had the freedom to access.
Breaking the Cycle Requires Understanding
Gender-based violence cannot be addressed by asking victims to leave sooner or “be stronger.” It requires communities to understand the psychological mechanisms of abuse. It requires challenging the narratives that protect abusers. It requires recognising trauma responses instead of mistaking them for irrationality. It requires supporting victims long after the relationship ends.
Understanding GBV is not about excusing behaviour, it is about exposing the mechanisms behind it. When society understands how the trap is built, it becomes harder for abusers to keep building it. And it becomes easier for victims to break free.
